i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
