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• (313): View more from Michigan

  It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight

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• (585): View more from New York

  She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.

  (585): View more from New York

  Aren't divorce parties fun?

  (1-585): View more from New York

  You and I have very different definitions of fun.

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• (518): View more from New York

  He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.

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• (713): View more from Texas

  He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.

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• (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying

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• (518): View more from New York

  Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play

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• (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first

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• (631): View more from New York

  The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time

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• (970): View more from Colorado

  The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful

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• (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.

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• (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.

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• (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".

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• (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign

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• (505): View more from New Mexico

  Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?

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• (732): View more from New Jersey

  Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch

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