I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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