I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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