I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
