dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
