The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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