Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
