I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
