Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize