I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
My Sexting was not on an AP level
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