I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
