Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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