I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Randomize
