I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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