She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
