I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
