it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
