drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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