shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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