There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
