Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
