dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
