i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
