If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
