she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
