I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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