omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
be right there i have to get my cape
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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