we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
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If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
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I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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