So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
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I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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