what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
