i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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