They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.