I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
40s are totally the cure
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
