I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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