So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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