Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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