dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
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I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
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I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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