bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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