he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
