did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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