you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
