there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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