please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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