my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Randomize
