There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
