got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Rumble strips road head = magical
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
