i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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