Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
