I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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