Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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