i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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