My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
