I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
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I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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