Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
