She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
