I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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