im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
you inspire me to be a worse person
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
