let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
